Next month, November will be the anniversary of the birth of my beautiful baby girl. Natalie Rose would be 28 years old on 25th of November 2009.
When i was a child people would ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" my answer would come with no hesitation " a mummy" It's true, right from a very early age I wanted to grow up and have children of my own. You might say that I was not a very ambitious child, but that was my ambition.
I was a fairly bright child and did well in school, until, that is I passed my eleven plus and was sent to Grammar school. I did not want to go, and I hated it there. I got out as soon as I could.
At 19 I married and after two years of desperately trying for a baby I fell pregnant. I was over the moon. Right from the moment I knew I was pregnant I was totally in love with my baby. I didn't yet know this tiny miracle of life growing inside me, but I would have killed for it.
On Wednesday 25th November my little girl was delivered. She was so utterly adorable. After 48 hours I was allowed to take her home. Natalie was my world. My husband went back to work after a week and I spent every minute with my little girl.
In March 1982, my husband's work took him away to Scotland and Natalie and I went to stay with my parents in Surrey, mum and dad loved having their grand daughter there. My husband drove through the night to get back early on the Friday.
The next morning, Saturday 6th March 1982 we were going shopping for a birthday present for Natalie's other grandma, my parents in law were looking forward to seeing Natalie.
Natalie was crying in the back of the car, then she went quiet and we assumed the engine noise and motion of the car had lulled her to sleep. On arriving at the shopping centre, I picked my baby up from her carry cot. Something was not right. Natalie did not stir. I turned her round to face me and saw, to my horror that her lips were blue. In a panic I pushed my baby girl into my husband's arms and screamed at him to take her somewhere for help. He ran, I threw the buggy back into the car then chased off after him. I did not know where he had gone! I rushed to the first aid post, they weren't there. I rushed into Boots the chemist. A lady from the pharmacy was holding my baby and trying to breathe into her tiny little mouth.
An ambulance came, those wonderful medics chased through the shopping centre and we followed blindly. With blue light flashing and sirens wailing we were taken to the hospital where we were told that everything possible had been done but our baby was dead.
The next days were a blur. In fact the next year was a blur for me. And 28 years later, as I write this I still feel the pain and fear that I felt on that day. I don't know how I survived this but I have. I have 2 wonderful sons now but no-one could ever replace my little girl.
Natalie lived for just 16 weeks. 16 weeks is not long but those 16 weeks are the most precious weeks of my life. I am thankful to have had my beautiful little girl and i can recall such sweet memories of her. She gives me strength.
When i was a child people would ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" my answer would come with no hesitation " a mummy" It's true, right from a very early age I wanted to grow up and have children of my own. You might say that I was not a very ambitious child, but that was my ambition.
I was a fairly bright child and did well in school, until, that is I passed my eleven plus and was sent to Grammar school. I did not want to go, and I hated it there. I got out as soon as I could.
At 19 I married and after two years of desperately trying for a baby I fell pregnant. I was over the moon. Right from the moment I knew I was pregnant I was totally in love with my baby. I didn't yet know this tiny miracle of life growing inside me, but I would have killed for it.
On Wednesday 25th November my little girl was delivered. She was so utterly adorable. After 48 hours I was allowed to take her home. Natalie was my world. My husband went back to work after a week and I spent every minute with my little girl.
In March 1982, my husband's work took him away to Scotland and Natalie and I went to stay with my parents in Surrey, mum and dad loved having their grand daughter there. My husband drove through the night to get back early on the Friday.
The next morning, Saturday 6th March 1982 we were going shopping for a birthday present for Natalie's other grandma, my parents in law were looking forward to seeing Natalie.
Natalie was crying in the back of the car, then she went quiet and we assumed the engine noise and motion of the car had lulled her to sleep. On arriving at the shopping centre, I picked my baby up from her carry cot. Something was not right. Natalie did not stir. I turned her round to face me and saw, to my horror that her lips were blue. In a panic I pushed my baby girl into my husband's arms and screamed at him to take her somewhere for help. He ran, I threw the buggy back into the car then chased off after him. I did not know where he had gone! I rushed to the first aid post, they weren't there. I rushed into Boots the chemist. A lady from the pharmacy was holding my baby and trying to breathe into her tiny little mouth.
An ambulance came, those wonderful medics chased through the shopping centre and we followed blindly. With blue light flashing and sirens wailing we were taken to the hospital where we were told that everything possible had been done but our baby was dead.
The next days were a blur. In fact the next year was a blur for me. And 28 years later, as I write this I still feel the pain and fear that I felt on that day. I don't know how I survived this but I have. I have 2 wonderful sons now but no-one could ever replace my little girl.
Natalie lived for just 16 weeks. 16 weeks is not long but those 16 weeks are the most precious weeks of my life. I am thankful to have had my beautiful little girl and i can recall such sweet memories of her. She gives me strength.
Dear Julie,
ReplyDeleteA poignant, transparent, harrowing, yet inspirational, blog.
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of that time must have caused. Yet, despite all this, you have treasured those memories of Natalie. Indeed, that little girl, that so touched your heart, has given you strength.
Thank you for sharing this, Julie.
Dear lady, you are a survivor. With utmost respect and admiration, Gary xx
Thank you Gary. Much love. X
ReplyDeleteI live with this little bird looking down at me, she enriches my life.
ReplyDeletePhilip X X
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you Philip.X
ReplyDelete