Monday, 19 July 2010

Good days, bad days.

Today was a good day. I walked round Durham City with Philip. Had lunch in a very pictuesque pub garden and strolled along the riverside in the summer rain.

I remembered all the good things in my life and am thankful for them all.

Tomorrow may be different..... but tomorrow is another day.

Friday, 16 July 2010

Fight the good fight

At times like this I yearn for a quiet place where I can be alone and hide away from the world. In my mind my wardrobe has a corner way, way back where no-one can see into. I long to crawl into that space and just sit. Safe, warm and hidden. Where I can just fade away and not have to fight any more.

Sometimes life is such hard work and I just don't have the energy to go on. Well meaning people will say " what do you have to be depressed about? You have a nice life" And I do. I am not alone or old and infirm. I am not homeless. I am not unloved.

I am one in four (if you believe the official statistics..... I believe it is more like one in two) of people who will suffer some sort of mental health problem in their lifetime. I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, what used to be called Manic depression. This may be a controversial thing for me to say but I feel shortchanged because I only get the severe depression and not the manic highs. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but after watching tv documentaries about people with manic depression I get the impression that the "up" episodes can be envigorating. I have heard manic depressives say that the manic episodes are the only time they feel alive. That is not true for me, when I am not really down I do have a good life.

I know this blackness will pass, it always does. As long as I don't allow myself to shut myself away and become reclusive. I am lucky to have many supportive and empathetic people in my life and am truly grateful for their love and support. I have many resources on which I can draw, if only I can get some motivation. I wish you could buy it at Tesco! I try to surround myself with positive distractions and ride out the bad times.

In good times I am grateful for the down episodes, because without the downs I might not recognise how good the good times are.

Writing this has helped me and I hope it might let others know that they are not alone in suffering. I send positive wishes and thoughts to anyone who is suffering right now.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Shoot that damn dog!

Does anyone want a dog? I certainly don't want it, but it seems to follow me around. I thought I had got rid of it but it keeps finding me. I'm talking about the big black dog that is depression. I really thought I had it sorted but for some reason it keeps rearing it's nasty little head to bite me.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Those pesky wabbits!

So, returning to the allotment after a two week absence, I was dissapointed to see that the beans have not come up at all. Not so much "has beans" as never will be.

We do have some mange tout sprouting but they are looking very sorry for themselves after being nibbled by rabbits. Not entirely eaten away more "manged en peu" than mange tout.

The tomatoes are doing well and look healthy and strong.

Of course we have the potatoes. I am searching for potato recipes!
We decided not to follow the advice of just about everyone we know, I don't want to shoot or snare and eat the bunnies! We have covered the peas with chicken wire to try to deter them, although if they really want them they could easily burrow under. We have also employed someone to keep watch on the veg when we are not there. Philip's son and daughter in law gave him a little scarecrow for Father's day. I hope he works on rabbits too!

There is still so much to do to clear the rest of the land but in this weather it would be just too much like hard work. There are still piles and piles of rocks and bricks to clear before erecting a shed and maybe the greenhouse.
The tree we cut down is still lying in bits in the entrance. We had thought about burning it in situ but thought our neighbour might not be best pleased if his shed caught fire. Then we decided to take it to the local tip.. but the bearings on the trailer have gone and we just cannot afford to get it fixed at this time.

Philip seemed to have lost momentum a little and talked yesterday of giving up the allotment altogether. After all the work we've put in already I was horrified. Luckily he seems to be interested again. He was even talking about taking on the neighbouring patch as the guy appears to be letting it go a bit. That would give me room to have quite a few chickens which sounds good to me. We'll see.

I keep hoping for a real good downpoor, but it just isn't happening. I spent about two hours watering yesterday and the ground looked just as dry and dusty as it did before I started. Is it me or does everyone get so protective over their veg? It's almost a maternal feeling. Ok so it probably is me and I should maybe not admit to that so publicly.

Later today we are taking delivery of a truckload of fresh horse manure so next week will be spent shovelling shit. Oh the joys of gardening!