At times like this I yearn for a quiet place where I can be alone and hide away from the world. In my mind my wardrobe has a corner way, way back where no-one can see into. I long to crawl into that space and just sit. Safe, warm and hidden. Where I can just fade away and not have to fight any more.
Sometimes life is such hard work and I just don't have the energy to go on. Well meaning people will say " what do you have to be depressed about? You have a nice life" And I do. I am not alone or old and infirm. I am not homeless. I am not unloved.
I am one in four (if you believe the official statistics..... I believe it is more like one in two) of people who will suffer some sort of mental health problem in their lifetime. I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, what used to be called Manic depression. This may be a controversial thing for me to say but I feel shortchanged because I only get the severe depression and not the manic highs. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but after watching tv documentaries about people with manic depression I get the impression that the "up" episodes can be envigorating. I have heard manic depressives say that the manic episodes are the only time they feel alive. That is not true for me, when I am not really down I do have a good life.
I know this blackness will pass, it always does. As long as I don't allow myself to shut myself away and become reclusive. I am lucky to have many supportive and empathetic people in my life and am truly grateful for their love and support. I have many resources on which I can draw, if only I can get some motivation. I wish you could buy it at Tesco! I try to surround myself with positive distractions and ride out the bad times.
In good times I am grateful for the down episodes, because without the downs I might not recognise how good the good times are.
Writing this has helped me and I hope it might let others know that they are not alone in suffering. I send positive wishes and thoughts to anyone who is suffering right now.
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Dear Julie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for submitting such an open and honest posting. Indeed, your transparency, will, no doubt, help you and those that read this, realise that getting those thoughts out and sharing our feelings; helps make us realise that we can be here for each other.
Positive distractions are vital and attempting to keep busy is, as you know conducive to our mental health well being. Not always easy when the 'black dog' is nipping at our heels. Yet, you know your resilient nature and the desire to lead a happy, contented life will mostly prevail.
Sending positive and empathetic thoughts, your way, Gary x
Thank you Gary, for your comment and your support. Love as always. X
ReplyDeleteDear Juliet - I'm happy I found you through Gary and wanted to say that by writing about darkness you open it up to the light. And by speaking about your darker times, you let all of us know that we can speak too. It's a gift you're giving to us and I want to thank you for it.
ReplyDeleteDear OMYWORD- I too am glad you found me through my very good friend Gary. Thanks for your comment and your encouragement.
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